Fast Forward...

I have deleted about ten attempts at this blog already...  blur.  Life's been quite a handful... more than a handful actually and as the saying goes. Life's a bitch and it has puppies. I can handle a bitch anytime... but the puppies? One too many for me...

My mind is messed up. I am messed up. I don't even know what to think let alone write. My friends always tell me... it's okay... you're a survivor... you always bounce back. Really? Another saying... not everyday is a Sunday... what if I don't bounce back? What if this is the beginning of the end for me? Do you know? Do I know? I guess not... we can only give it our best shot... nothing less.

This year is supposed to be a good year for me according to the lunar predictions for the year of the Tiger. Assuming that this really is a good year for me and all that has been happening is the good part then I guess I will be pushing daisies when the bad times come.

My late aunt used to tell me... an idle mind is a devil's workshop. I wouldn't say my mind is idle... in fact my mind is in overdrive. It is in overdrive even as I sleep. That's how much thinking I have been doing. I do however have a lot of idle time and therein lies my problem. Too much time and nothing to do... well that's not true either. There are loads of things to do but they all cost money.

Moving from one extreme to another... is another 'puppy'... from an environment where your every move is under scrutiny and criticism to one where you can do whatever you please and left to your own devices. Great right? I'm sure all of you would love such an environment. Wait... here's the catch... you're all ALONE. And I mean alone.

It is always the person whom you love the most who will rip your heart to shreds... always. I know... I have been in both ends. And in both ends more than once. I just put mine back together... it's not like it used to be but it still works and when it stops working the way it should then I will engage the 'no turning back' tool called the brain... when the brain is engaged the heart is disengaged. Sigh... when you get old... er... you mellow down a lot. Look at CBK... look at me... I used to be 70% brain engaged... now it is the other way round.

A friend in need is a friend in deed... We all think we know what this phrase means. And most think that it means a friend in need is a friend indeed. Really? Well... NO. I never ever thought of this phrase... not until I needed help quite badly and help comes from the strangest places... so then I thought of this phrase... again... something my late aunt used to say a lot. In deed and indeed... sounds the same but not the same. I'm sure some English teachers would disagree with me... but this is my opinion... and you know what I say about opinions. Can they prove what they understand? I can...

Me, myself and I... that's the only way. Trust no one.

Fuck... I hate the puppies... and I hate the bitch too.