It Hurts... and I'm Sorry.

Yup... mended but still hurts. I contemplated posting this on the other blog as this would reveal my much weaker side but what the heck... I'm only human.

It still hurts real bad... my heart... every time I feel this way I start to reflect on what I have done to deserve this and on those that I have caused hurt to as well. I imagine the pain they went through and when I do that it hurts even more. I think what I feel now pales in comparison to what they went through. For what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Last week, my cousin (mom's side) was on the island and we met up. She introduced me to her friend (guy)... they were drinking and I joined by having a beer. My cousin was brought up by my parents till she was about 6, then her dad took her back as he didn't like her bonding with us. Strange huh? Why didn't you raise her yourself then? Anyway, she told me that when she lived with them she was forbidden to mention us nor speak English in her home. When her late father passed on she didn't shed a tear but when my late father passed on she was crying away with me. Her moving away to stay with her parents caused us to somewhat drift apart as we hardly ever met. 

After a few drinks... quite a few actually she started to let fly... she said she was very upset with me for a very long time for something I said to her. Huh? What did I say? Oops! Oh, no! No wonder my friends keep telling me... if you have nothing nice to say keep your mouth shut.

She was being sent to the UK to study Law. When we met back then and she told me this it seems I said... with your level of English you're going there to study Law? Good Luck!... ummm... honestly, I don't remember saying such a thing but I don't disbelieve her either as I am capable of saying such things. But for the record, her English never did get better after she left us... it was still better than her elder brother's and sister's but still quite badlah. She says I really hurt her with my judgemental statement. She was in tears as she related this. And her friend didn't know what to do nor did I. She then went on to say that however, she was very thankful that I did say that as it inspired her to prove me wrong and she has. She's a certified lawyer now though not practising. I gave her a hug and said... I'm sorry.

It seems that I am the feared one in my family. I guess that's because of my cibai face. Not that cibais look bad lah... I mean I love how cibais look... well not only how they look... but let's not go there for now. I was unapproachable... still am. She says I was very judgemental... and she says that since she came back she found that I have changed... I am no longer how I used to be.

Hmmm... I'm not too sure about that. I think I just mellowed down a bit and grew a wee bit wiser to hold my nasty tongue. In my attempt to be truthful I hurt people with my blunt criticisms.

Anyway... this just confirms that I am basically an asshole with nothing nice to say about anyone.  If I had hurt you in any way... I am truly sorry.